I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I supernannyed him into submission
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
