And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
