I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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