It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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