He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
