hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
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