When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
