I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Found the puke drawer
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
