DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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