so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
