I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
