I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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