I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Randomize
