can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Even my vagina gasped.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
