rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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