I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
