when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
