Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
