at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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