my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
