im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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