I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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