How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Randomize
