If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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