I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
