i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
