if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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