Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
