My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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