cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
