PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
