In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Come see our sink grown plant.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
