I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm too high and old for this...
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
