In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
