just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
