My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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