I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
