our cab driver is having phone sex.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
