If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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