the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
