Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
