he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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