someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
