She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
