he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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