the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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