Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Randomize
