Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
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