the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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