He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
