Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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