I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
