I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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